A recent survey showed that over 75% of people have fetishes and specific fantasies that they would like to, or already do, incorporate into their sex lives. Having fetishes and fantasies is completely normal, and in fact, makes for a very explorative, exciting, and fulfilling sex life!
However, sometimes, communicating fetishes and fantasies to our partners can be incredibly hard. For some reason, a lot of us feel uncomfortable speaking about sex outside of the bedroom, even with the people that we’re closest to. So, if you’re someone that’s got a fetish or fantasy that you really want to explore in the bedroom (or outside, depending on whatever you’re into!) and you’re unsure how to talk to your partner about it, then you’re in the right place!
In this article, we’re going to be telling you exactly how to talk about your fetish with your partner so you comfortably speak to them about what you’re into, in the hopes that you can soon start exploring your sexuality and experimenting with them.
Realize That Having Fantasies and Fetishes Is Completely Normal
The very first thing you need to do when figuring out how to tell your partner about a fantasy or fetish is first to realize that having them is completely normal! Sexual fetishes come in all kinds of styles, and whatever you’re into (as long as it’s not harming anyone) is completely normal.
There can be a lot of shame surrounding kinks and fetishes, so you need to let that go, trust that what you’re into is normal, and be confident about what you’re into.
Research and Explore Your Own Kinks and Fetishes
If you’re pretty sure you’re into something but you’re not sure what specific fetish you have, it’s a good idea to do some research! For example, if you think you might be into BDSM but you’re looking to explore and narrow it down into more of a specific fetish and you don’t think the entire niche applies to your personal preferences, doing some of your own research and exploration can help.
A good way to explore your kinks, fetishes, and fantasies is by reading up on different platforms, joining online fetish communities, and masturbating to see what feels good for you.
Sit Down and Talk With Your Partner Outside The Bedroom
Once you fully understand yourself and the fetishes or fantasies that you want to explain to your partner (although there’s always more to explore!), it’s time to have the chat! Now, this is probably the bit that you’re most worried about, but don’t stress! There a few rules that you need to follow to make sure everything goes smoothly, but apart from that, just be honest - you are talking to your partner after all!
You need to speak to your partner outside the bedroom when you’re both alone and in a calm environment to make sure that your partner takes you seriously and you can have a real conversation.
Before you dive right in and explain your fetish, it’s important to set the scene! Tell your partner that you trust them and you want to be honest with them about your sexual desires, but make sure you tell them that you’re not in any way disapproving of them in the bedroom. You need to make sure that you phrase everything as if you are adding to the sex life between you, not blaming your partner for a vanilla sex life.
Once you’re ready to tell your partner about your fetish or fantasy, just go for it! Be ready to answer any questions that your partner may have, be open with them, and be prepared for them to say no to your ideas.
Ask Your Partner About Their Kinks and Fetishes
Hopefully, once you’ve gotten over the potentially uncomfortable initial outburst about your sexual desires, the conversation and atmosphere that you have is honest and open. This is a great opportunity to ask your partner about any kinks, fetishes, and fantasies that they might have. Once you’ve shared information about your sexual fetishes, your partner should feel more comfortable sharing their desires with you. Make sure you give their sexual desires as much importance and time as your own - they’re just as important after all!
Head To A Sex Shop Together (Or Get Online!)
Whether you’ve got to pick up some sex toys to explore your sexual fetish with your partner, or you’ve both decided to start off small and add some toys into your sex life, it’s time to head to a sex shop together or get searching online together! Searching for sex toys together can also bring you closer together and potentially lead you both to trying new unexpected things too!
Explore Erotic Film and Literature With Your Partner
Exploring erotic film and literature with your partner can help them to understand your fetish or fantasy, as well as help you to understand theirs! In addition, new types of fantasies and fetishes can appear in your relationship when you look at erotic films and read/listen to erotic literature together. Of course, spending time together watching, reading, or listening to these types of things can make you both turned on and lead to some incredible experiences in the bedroom!
Audio erotica is a great way to enjoy erotic literature as a couple - listening to it at night when you’re in bed together can heat things up nicely! When it comes to erotic film, we always recommend either purchasing content from independent adult creators or using an ethical porn website, such as MakeLoveNotPorn, Bellessa, or JoyBear.
Practice Explicit Consent Before You Do Anything
As we always reiterate, the most important part of any type of sexual experience is consent! Sexual activity with consent is sexual activity, but sexual activity without consent is assault. Whenever you are engaging in any type of sexual activity, even with a partner that you’ve been with long term, you need to practice explicit consent. Consent, although always essential, is even more important when you’re engaging in a new kind of fetish, fantasy, or kink, since you and your partner may feel slightly more on edge with what you’re doing because it’s a new experience for you both.
In order to practice explicit consent and be certain that you’re both into the experience, you first need to talk (at length!) about what you’re going to do together, agree on what you’re doing, establish a safeword together, and hash out any concerns that either of you may have. However, consent doesn’t stop there. To make sure that both you and your partner are comfortable and happy with what is happening, consent should be reiterated throughout sex (or whatever it is that you are up to!).
Ease Into It In The Bedroom
Unless you are already an expert and have experience in the fetish that you’re going to be exploring, it’s always best to start small with a partner that’s not as experienced as you. So, even if you think that you’re going to be really into something that’s hardcore (such as full-body bondage), it’s best to ease into it! For example, if you think you will be into domination and bondage, it might be best to try just restraining your arms first and enjoy some light spanking. If you both enjoy the experience and gain more knowledge in the specific kink or fetish, you can then take it to a more extreme level if you want to.
Dedicate Time To Aftercare
After you’ve enjoyed spending time exploring your fetish or kink with your partner, whatever that might be, you need to dedicate time to aftercare. With certain kinks and fetishes such as a number of BDSM kinks, it will be even more essential that you practice aftercare, since you will need to physically take care of yourself and your partner, as well as get back to the normal emotional state of your relationship together.
Keep The Conversation Open About Sexual Desire With Your Partner
Just because you’ve once braved the initial conversation with your partner about your sexual fetish, fantasy, or kink, and explored it with them for the first time, doesn’t mean the work on your sexual relationship with your partner stops there! You need to keep the conversation about sex open and honest with your partner. In fact, never stop communicating about it! You should always keep the lines open between you so that each of you is comfortable with discussing the sex you’re having together, as well as your own individual desires in the bedroom.
Keep talking with your partner and see your sex life get better and better!