Updated: Jun 14
How many people reading this have insecurities, and how many have insecurities about their body or size? How many have insecurities or anxiety about performance? Have you ever thought about how this translates to your sexual wellness and exploration of your own sexual being? Have you ever thought how all of this could affect your overall health?
A life lived with sexual wellness provides a variety of health benefits according to WebMD:
Immune System Boost
Improved Bladder Control (female)
Lowers Blood Pressure
Lowers Heart Attack Risk
Helps Eliminate Physical Pain
May Reduce Risk Of Prostate Cancer (male)
So let’s start with the most important elements of beginning your sexual exploration that will lead to your sexual wellness and overall health.
COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR BODY
Becoming comfortable in one’s own skin can be the start of something beautiful. No body type is the same. We all have our little body quirks and things we wish just weren’t there. But what if you just owned it. What if you just said this is my body, and I cannot control much of what it looks like. But I can love myself and my body, and all the weird things that come with it. I cannot control how large my hips are, or my predisposition to the insane amounts of hair I have all over my body, but I can control how much I just love myself. This is the key and the absolute beginning of the process to exploration of your sexual being and the evolution of your sexual wellness.
Here’s an exercise that I always found helpful when I began having the negative self talk about my body. I’d find some time where I could be alone. I light several candles in the room to set the mood and to relax me. I may even play some relaxing music. Then I close my eyes and begin to trace my body with my mind- also known as a body scan. I start from the top of my head all the way down to the soles of my feet. I think about my hair and toes and everything in between. I think about each part of my body that has given me something over the years. All the marks and scars on my body, and the stories they tell about where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Some may be painful. But finding appreciation in the hurt, the pain, and the ugly can often lead to the most inspiring beauty in our lives because it leads us to our truth. Our truth should be that we love our bodies and ourselves. So I hope it is evident that taking control over your sexual being and sexual wellness is important to your mental and physical health, and that it can be accomplished through individual work.
COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR SEXUAL IDENTITY (Gender, Sexual, Romantic)
Sexual identity is a complex thing with a multitude of elements that make up its current definition. The University of Texas, Dallas provides, “Sexual identity is complex; it exists on multiple continuums, which together encompass infinite variability and possibility,” and includes one’s gender, sexual and romantic identity. Gender identity is defined as one’s own internal experience of their gender. Sexual Identity is defined as whom we are sexually or romantically attracted to. Romantic Orientation is defined as our own internal desire to engage or not engage in romantic connections or experiences with others.
So how does one find comfort with each of these deeply personal and internal identities?
The great Deepak Chopra discusses the root cause of discomfort or lack of peace with one’s sexual identity- Self-judgment. The issue one has in coping with one’s sexual identity, rests with more deeply seeded personal issues and that is where the process must start. One may feel lonely or different, so seek out others who are similar to you. Reddit subgroups are great way to make this happen. Release the self-judgment within yourself, and realize it is oaky to feel and love the way you want. Push away the religious persecution and find those who are of the faith and also tolerant and accepting. It exists, I promise. Remove the sexual dissatisfaction you may have with your identity and find a way to connect with your sexual identity through other means like hanging out with similar people in not sexual ways. Research the history of the current battle you are enduring. Seek comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.
So instead of attacking yourself for your sexual identity, take the time to look deeply within to understand why you may be doing that. Take time to seek professional help if you need it. But most importantly, prioritize your sexual wellness through your mental and physical health. You will be a healthier person because of it.
EXPLORE WHAT YOU LIKE
Now once you’ve found genuine comfort in your own sexual identity, you can begin to explore what you like sexually so you can live a life of complete sexual wellness.
Firstly, establish an environment that is devoid of shame, fear judgment and guilt. As discussed above, this begins with YOU!
Now, you can begin with exploring solo masturbation. Learn to feel what makes your pleasure senses erupt. Try new ways of masturbating to ascertain other sexual positions or acts that may add pleasure to your general sexual experience. Then chronicle how it made you feel. Your journal will allow you to create a list of what you liked and disliked, with intimate details about what you experience sexually each time.
Begin giving past sexual experiences some thought. What did you like? What did you not like? What do you wish you tried? What are have you been curious about during past sexual experiences? Take time to process these thoughts so you can properly evaluate them and learn from them.
Feel free to turn on some porn. Think about what you’ve liked in the past, and let that evolve into a deeper examination of your sexual being and eventual sexual wellness. Explore different videos and movies. Don’t be afraid to watch something different from your usual viewing preferences. The same can be said about erotic books. Don’t be afraid to pop into a store and purchase one through Amazon. There are plenty of great ones.
Attend a sex club. Attending a sex club can allow an individual or couples to explore their sexual identity and sexual wellness in a comfortable place of acceptance.
Sex clubs and parties offer a person a non-judgmental place for like-minded individuals to enjoy their pursuit of sexual wellness. Sex clubs are often a great place to try something new, like being restrained in a bed restraint with multiple lovers caressing your body.
How about being placed in a sex swing and being spun around for multiple partners to take turns on your restrained and suspended body.
There are also plenty of ways to continue to evolve and study your own sexual wellness. Including taking classes and workshops geared to one’s sexual identity and sexual wellness. You may want to learn more about BDSM, bondage, sex toys and orgasms. There are a variety of speakers on these topics, and a simple Google search will provide you with an excellent list catered to your specific needs.
Discuss your fantasies with your partners. Stop thinking what you like is weird. "Don't just make assumptions about what feels good for your partner and what they like to do," says Shula Melamed, a New York City-based relationship coach with a background in human sexuality in an article for Vice- Exactly How to Tell Your Partner What You Want in Bed.
Sometimes writing these fantasies down in your journal can be a great way of fully exploring the idea before engaging in the act. Be open with those you love about the sexual desires you have. Learn to find and accept the acceptance provided by your loved ones. Once your partner(s) have been let in on your desires you can try it out and begin to see if you actually like it.
STUDY WHAT YOU LIKE
Once you’ve discussed and figured out what you want to try, it is time to fully engage with yourself and/or your partner(s). First step, be honest with yourself and partner about what you want to try. Discuss everything openly. Don’t be afraid to start off the conversation with, “I’m really nervous to talk about this stuff with you, but I need to get something off my chest and I hope you accept me for me once I do.”
Take what you learned from the books and porn videos and begin reenacting them with a person you are sharing a very intimate experience with. Take your partners physical and audible cues to determine the next step in your evolving fantasy and sexual wellness. Allow your sexual liberation to take hold and own your newly found sexual wellness.